Grieving Together
Helping others in grieving the loss of a friend or relative is, at the same time, an awkward and rewarding experience. Each situation and each person is different in their personal way of handling grief making the process even more difficult to accomplish. It is never easy.
There are a few things to be aware of that will help you in your efforts of comfort. You need not be a professional counselor to be a comfort during the grief process. Grief is a natural response to loss. It is a process and not a specific event. Each individual will dictate the length of time the grief process will take to work. It is important that grieving is truly a process that takes a lifetime. The grieving person, for the most part, sets that length. So, begin your comforting where the person grieving is comfortable, not where you as a comfort-giver feel they should be, or where you are. The goal is to help the friend or relative comfortably return to living life in the present.
The gift of listening is perhaps the best thing one can offer a grieving person. We read in God’s word that we are to be “Quick to hear and slow to speak…” (James 1:19, ESV). By listening, you hear the grieving person’s deep thoughts, and you can respond accordingly better meeting their needs.
A gentle touch or hug may be appropriate. If the grieving person accepts it then a reassuring touch throughout the contact is helpful. If they tend to back away accept that as them not being a tactile person and show your concern through your words and attentiveness.
According to Dr. Norman H. Wright, in his book “Recovering from the Losses of Life” (Spire – Fleming H. Revell, Minneapolis, MN) lists four general things not to do:
- Do not withdraw from the relative or friend
- Do not compare, judge or evaluate the person or their responses
- Do not look for sympathy for yourself
- Do not patronize or pity the person
Dr. Wright also gives some examples of inappropriate responses to a grieving person:
- “I don’t understand why you are still crying.”
- “Look, you only lost your stepfather; what about your mother? She has a greater loss than you and she has pulled herself together.”
- “This will make your family closer.”
- “I’m sure this will teach others to be more ______________.”
- “Next time you’ll know not to use that doctor or hospital.”
- “Don’t cry.”
- “Be brave.”
- “You’ll get over it.”
- “You shouldn’t feel that way. After all, you have the Lord.”
- “It’s time you pull yourself together. You wouldn’t want _________ to see you that, would you?”
- “The past needs to be put behind. Let’s move on to the future with God.”
- “At least _________ didn’t suffer.”
- “The children need you to be strong.”
These comments only intensify the guilt, grief and pain of the individual. It does not help lessen the pain or loss. They sound like good things but they are not.
Following along that line there are positive things to do that are beneficial. Again, according to Dr. Wright they can be summarized like this:
- Accept the grieving person and let them know that what they are feeling is normal.
- Acknowledge their feelings and the fact that they have them.
- Let them know that you are comfortable with them letting any emotion out; Crying will not bother you.
- Help them to understand that if they did not cry you would be more concerned than if they do.
- Explain that if you had been through what they have experienced you would be very emotional as well.
- Tell them that anger and hostility are natural emotions and that you would be feeling them too were you going through the process.
- If they are having a difficult time verbalizing their feelings, tell them you understand that “it is hard to find the words to express your anger, helplessness, and frustration.” Also, explain that it is important to allow themselves to vent in that manner.
When you encourage them to express themselves you are telling them that you are going to still be there for them and it will not cause you to pull away or judge them. They need to feel that you are going to stand with them through the circumstance.
Miscellaneous things that are best to do and best not to do:
The key to dealing with a grieving person is to make sure they feel they are not alone. Your presence with them is a tangible example of God’s abiding comfort and presence to people who are suffering. You become a resource for them to find the strength of God through the ministering of the Holy Spirit. It is a privilege and a blessing to be God’s agent in a friend or relatives time of crisis.
Links for additional resources:
Article on losing a child: http://www.athealth.com/consumer/disorders/parentalgrief.html